Over the course of this year, numerous changes have taken place. I graduated and was expecting that I would slide into employment right away. Youth comes with vigor, rigor, and enthusiasm. I had heard of the unemployment situation in my country. Yet, I thought I'd be an exception to the rule.

Dominance in academics all your life can impact your sense of self. In academia, I had a tried and true method of operation. And even when the prevalent method failed, I was confident trying something new. For some reason, I knew something was bound to work. My mantra was hard work or smart work, be it as it may, is equivalent to success. Furthermore, I had a proven track record that bolstered my confidence.

As I transitioned from school, I began applying for jobs, confident that I would succeed as always. Little did I know that my techniques were obsolete. No longer did my toolkits serve me. I needed other weapons tailored to real and changing world problems. I had to adapt and relearn principles that had no grounds for success. The concept of risk set in so firmly that it tampered with my balance.

School appeared to be a test and trial ground, and now I was on the battlefield. Initially, I allowed my parents and siblings to worry about my future. My contribution and focus were singular: to pass my exams and move to the next stage. In hindsight, school was a relatively easy and sure ground to maneuver. You had millennial old instructions and guidelines tested and proven to work. But now you have to be the captain of the ship, the pilot of the plane, the commander of the army. Your one-man army's success or lack of depended on you.

Thinking about this gives me chills. For someone who values certainty and a sure path of living, I worry about being in charge. Now, I have to account for my every action. No longer can I waste time and expect someone else to suffer the consequences. No longer can I bypass an opportunity and expect a second one to come by easily. No longer can I self-sabotage and escape the results narrowly. Now, I am the captain of this boat, and if it sinks or docks, it totally depends on me.

Considering these uncertainties, I no longer blame others for their actions. And no longer consider humanity as simplistic as I did before. Now, I know we are all complex beings with incredibly unique perspectives that require critical analysis to decipher. This change is reminiscent of Larry Page and numerous other leaders who have undergone massive transitions in mindset. Reading through his leadership style, I noticed how he changed from an X to a Y leader who values and tries to understand human complexity.

A little background on Larry Page. He, together with Sergey Brin, founded Google. Page was the leader, as would be the case, of Google from its start until he was fired from the position. The reason for this action was his character. Page distrusted his employees and their capability to work for the growth and expansion of his empire. Thus, he micro-managed and established a system that restricted human freedom. The outcome was resistance from workers and dwindling growth. During his firing Sabbatical, Page transformed incredibly and returned to the firm a different boss. This time, he viewed humans as intelligent beings capable of determination and dignity. Page reshuffled the organization and made it the best place to work in contemporary society.

My journey is not as grandeur as Page's, but I am confident of the applicability of his lessons to my life and that of numerous others. All these to say that I encountered a rude awakening this last year. I realized that the world was complex and had vast possibilities for action. I can no longer hold on to a mindset that does not serve me. In my struggles to understand my place in this world, I must be willing to learn, unlearn, and relearn. I have to accept that life is not an uphill battle. Sometimes, effort will not be equivalent to reward, but still, I have to press on. In the words of former president Barack Obama, human history is plagued with struggles of survival, and regardless of how tough the situations became, our predecessors still managed to build from ruins.

I used to condescend such talks foolishly, thinking I would override the matrix (whatever matrix means to you). Don't think too much; a matrix is equivalent to a system in this context. I tallied in the seats of those who trust in fate, destiny, and coincidence. That does work, but not in isolation. Nothing works in isolation. Everything is a reaction of another. It's like one giant domino that responds to the action of another.

Nonetheless, and in so many words, I learned the power of small steps and little beginnings. I realized things happen for a reason, as cliche and anecdotal as that may sound. As someone who knows Christ, I am assured that my life is not meaningless. As I struggle with trauma, uncertainty, and fear, I am confident in only one thing: that there is meaning in all these.

I remember my Sunday school days that were filled with memory verses and scripture reading. Back then, it was a competition for who had the highest memory power, and as much as that was faulty, I now see the silver lining in the Nimbus cloud. In my older days, I now recall the scriptures that nullified the permanence of anything other than God's word and those who trust Him.

Looking at my life now, I see that nothing else satisfies my soul as much as knowing there is certainty in Christ. That is not to say that I will be exempted from the suffering of humanity, given I live in a fallen, broken world, but I have hope. Hope lights up my soul as the world falls into despair. It can be overwhelming when all you see is chaos, pandemic, uncertainty, greed, and, oh boy, let's not talk about predictions of doom. It's impossible to escape negative news that constantly battles to gain your attention. But for them that trust in the Lord, there's hope.

My view of God has evolved tremendously. I used to walk with those who viewed Him negatively and directed my frustrations of suffering to Him. But over the years, I have realized that everyone believes in something so much that they are willing to advance it at all costs. So, in the spirit of rebellion, why don't I believe in God even when it means walking contrary to the crowd?

Reference

Braha, M. (2018). Larry Page: From x to y. International Journal of Commerce and Finance, 4(2), 1-11.

By Maureen Naini