Where it all began

Gratitude is quite popular in our day and age. There are countless books, videos, and talks on gratitude. So much so that it has become a cliché. That is beside the point. My story begins when I finished University, as many of my stories do. Back then, I had plenty of cash for a student. I indulged in food, clothes, entertainment, and, of course, investments. I would be lying if I said I wasn't proud of my achievements.

I considered myself better than others (quite contrary to scripture). I had an aura of condescension that I hope no one noticed. My age mates were suffering, and by no means did I blame them for that. Campus life was more manageable if you had a source of income. You had all these expenses that your parent's allowance could not fulfill. And if you were indulged in youthful pleasures, it was worse for you. I can imagine the conflict between attaining necessities and pleasure.

Unfortunately, that decision was not hard in the presence of peers who reassured you of the significance of the latter. The former would take care of itself.

Anyway, by God's infinite mercies, I was spared from this lifestyle. My needs were few but expensive. I wanted to furnish my little house, go out with my two loved friends, and come home to unlimited internet for work and entertainment. I did not envy my fellows with numerous friends. I was happy as long as I could afford my rent, bills, occasional shopping, and blessings from home.

I gained much confidence from this little empire that I built. I was the empress with two knights who were my ride and die. I was free to dream, and I dreamt plenty. I established a date to buy land, build a house, adopt plenty of kids, start farming, and live the rest of my days as a happy woman. I had everything figured out and determined to work for it. I would pull all-nighters working on projects and trying to balance that with school. It was more like abandoning school and venturing out alone. This effort paid off but at the expense of my school work. When my exams were nearing, I almost got a panic attack. I was used to reading all semester long and gathering knowledge progressively. However, this time, I decided to become a ninja and absorb everything at once. Kids, never do that! Terrible choice.

I remember the first time I had a quiz and did not understand anything. Boy! That was tough. Anyway, I consoled myself that I had traded something for something better. Whether that was true or not, I am yet to find out.

Anyway, I finally graduated, and I was pretty happy about that. However, my work was not going as I expected. My boss swindled me, and I had to move from my house to my sister's. I was disappointed by this turn of events, but I assured myself that I would rebuild and continue pursuing my dreams.

Post-University

My indulgence had not left without a cost. Now, I could not afford to eat out as much as I wanted and buy things on a whim. My desire to keep up this lifestyle led to bad debts from shylocks. At the time, I had started my internship and was earning a monthly stipend. Every month, I would settle my debt and be left with nothing. The cycle of taking high-interest loans to eat out and spend on my insatiable consumerism behavior continued. One day, I got tired of directing all my funds to loan sharks. I promised to pay everything at once and survive the entire month on no stimulant. And true to my word, I upheld the promise. The subsequent months were difficult as I dealt with the withdrawal of my instant gratification.

I can't say I was fully satisfied with my life and blocked the world out. Often, I questioned what I did to fall from grace. I wondered if this was a punishment of some sort. Though I had such thoughts, I never implicated God in my situation. For some reason, I compartmentalized God into sections he had access to in my life. He was the God of the good times and not the bad. It's like a toxic partner who likes you when you are pretty but will never visit you in your rugs. During my peak days, I would pray the most. But in the trenches, I depended on my understanding to pull myself out and meet God at the bunks. I did not imagine I should bother Him with my problems. Instead, I would thank Him for my brighter days.

Unstuck

So that maneuvering went on for a while, and I sought solutions through books and everything I could think of. I also began focusing my mind on things that I had. For the time, I had a job that I prayed for or rather worried so much to get. I say worry and not pray because I don't imagine I had faith that God provided such things for people. I used to think that if you need anything from God, that would be good health, safe travel, scholarship, good sleep, and anything abstract. I never imagined that you would pray for things like a job, a house, and other tangible blessings. As I mentioned, God did not have access to certain rooms in my house. I didn't want him trespassing in restricted areas.

So, I prayed every morning before going to work. My prayers were centered toward thanksgiving for everything I had. I was healthy, I had a place to call home, my sister was around, my family was healthy, I never got into any accident despite the madness of public transport along Ngong road, and I had daily bread. At first, this process was arduous. I often wondered why I should focus on the good rather than whine about everything that was going wrong and feel sorry and angry at everyone who had nothing to do with my prevailing situation.

Glimpse of Hope

Nonetheless, I continued, or some would say, I travailed in gratitude. And the results were terrific. I will not downgrade the difficulty of beginnings, and no one should for that matter, but gradually, the dead roots started pushing against the soil, and a bud emerged. My boiling pot of instant gratification lost its momentum. I started appreciating the singular blessings that were all around me.

At the time, I was alighting some distance from my place of internship. The distance was quite something at first, but as my gratitude dosage kicked in, I tweaked my perception and took the opportunity to listen to audiobooks, music, and podcasts. Those were refreshing mornings, and I always looked forward to walking alone in contemplative silence. I noticed everything around me: the beautiful morning sky with the golden rays of sunshine, the city clocks that saved me from constantly checking my phone, the light-skinned guy who always walked across the streets the same time I did, the traffic as it stopped and started, the morning sun as it shone on my face, the refreshing breeze as it brushed across my cheeks, the cold chills as they numbed my fingers, the hurried steps of corporate workers heading to the office, the smile of the guard who never failed to say hi to me and warn me against using headphones, the hardworking Kenyans who rose early to make breakfast for officer workers. I noticed these beautiful things slowly as my attention shifted from my lack to the abundance of the universe.

So, my quality of life improved tremendously. I seized every opportunity to give thanks and focus on all I had and not all I lacked. Slowly, I began enjoying the traffic, as bad as it may be, the loud music in public transport, the compliments of touts, the long walks to and from work, the tanning from the harsh sun, the random strangers who occasionally said hi, and the late nights I arrived home. I remembered the days when those were the things I craved most and wondered if I could ever attain them. But here I was at the peak of my mountain, the mountain that I sought desperately to climb. Now, I could rest and lay down every striving of this heart of mine. Now, I could lay my hands behind my head, cross my legs, and breathe slowly. Now, I could roll on the green grass and feel the texture on my hands. Now, I could set myself free from the expectations of my current age. I no longer needed to be somewhere other than where I was. I no longer aspired to be anything else than who I was. I could now breathe with ease and smile at the passing minutes.

My internship was fulfilling not because I was earning a lot or had so much to spare but because I chose the God way. I decided to look at the world differently, not from a scarcity point of view but from abundance. Back then, I didn't have such labels. If anything, I was trying to get by and survive, but looking back, I see so much growth that happened in the trenches.

“My Weakness Made me Dependent” (Trip Lee)

When my internship ended, I would love to tell you that I became Mother Teresa and never returned to my old habits. Unfortunately, that would be deception, and boy, we don't want that. I did go back to my old ways. It was like slipping back into those old, sad, and sorry habits. I had hoped my one-year internship experience would decorate my CV and attract employers. I applied for hundreds of jobs, but God had different plans.

When the rejections started setting in, I was sad and disappointed. At first, it didn't hurt as much, but with time, I started questioning myself again. I wondered whether I had what it took to compete in this vast world. I shrunk in my cocoon and allowed anxiety to set in. I didn't know if I was good at anything. And just around that time, I almost diverted my hope to people. I had bumped into individuals who obsessed over networking. They advised me to seize every opportunity to network. Since I was an intern, I had to shrink and kowtow to more experienced and connected individuals to earn credibility. To an untrained ear, that sounds like excellent advice. But thank God for his mercy. Deep down, I felt something was wrong with that approach, not to mention the awkward situations I would put myself into. So, I sought counsel from a woman who loves God, and she confirmed my fears and encouraged me to keep on the path I had chosen.

It was not easy, for sure. My ambition pulled me in all directions, and I forgot all God had done. Looking at the story of the Israelites, I see myself in them so much. I never took the time to meditate on God's goodness and have hope that He remains the same. Instead, I tried to keep up with trends and false expectations of shortness of time. It's the irony of being twenty and feeling like you're running out of time.

Anyway, I struggled and fought against myself for the past two months. I woke up worried and slept worried. I prayed, but I was still worried. When my struggling strength had run out, that's when my eyes opened, and I remembered the past. Fun fact: fighting with God is like struggling in quicksand. I bet you don't want to sink.

And this happened not long ago. I went to church unmotivated and discouraged to pray. Every word I said reminded me of when I said the exact words, and "nothing" happened. But as I was praying that Sunday (7th October 2023), God reminded me, "Do not rely on your own understanding." I recalled this verse sometime in the previous week but never acted upon it. God, in his infinite mercies, reminded me a second time, and this time with so much peace and assurance. At the time we were singing "I Belong to You," it occurred to me so powerfully that I was not alone anymore.

The preaching centered on thankfulness to God, meditating on His word, and abiding in His presence. This was the climax of the breaking of my resistance. I finally understood what God was saying all along. So, I embarked on a journey to water my gratitude garden that I had abandoned to the elements of nature. Now, I have to prune the trees and weed out the weeds.

I don't imagine it will be an imprint with eternal ink on my soul. My human weaknesses may forget to be grateful sometime in the future, but I will be kind then to pivot and return to my source. The end of the matter is I am not strong enough to sustain myself in God, but God is. It's Him in whose mercy I lay my life.

By Maureen Naini