Personal Story

Over the years, I struggled with fear of various things. At a young age, I feared darkness and being left alone. I remember asking my mum to watch me as I walked into the dark. One particular instant was when she sent me to fetch something at around six thirty in the evening. The sun was setting, and it was getting a little dark. I was so afraid of going alone that I told her to watch me. I would look back every step I took to ensure she was watching. And when I noticed her gaze drifting, I would run back, angry because she had broken her promise.

I was so afraid of darkness that people teased me, claiming I was spoilt because I was the last born. I remember a time when I needed to go to the washroom, which was outside the house. It was pitch dark, and no one offered to accompany me. So I went hesitatingly, and a few steps into the dark, our herds-boy locked the door. I remember being paralyzed from head to toe. I was so afraid that I almost peed my pants and refused to walk in the dark at all costs.

As I grew older, this fear evolved into anxiety, worry, and depression. In my teenage, things became worse due to the pressure to perform and fit in. I did not fit in among the girls or boys, for that matter. So, I chose the next best option: to work so hard in my academics that no one would find a reason to tease me. And so I did. I became excellent. I obsessed over everything I did and ensured I was the very best.

High School

In high school, I gained self-awareness and found words for my emotions. I was particularly anxious in high school for the same reasons of wanting to make my parents proud and have friends. Truth be told, I didn’t care so much about friends. I only cared that I was not exposed as a fraud and punished in front of everyone. My self-image was tied to the way authority perceived me. If my teachers and parents were proud of me, that is all I needed.

I received Christ early in life due to my mum's prayers and encouragement. However, my understanding and desire for salvation deepened in High School. Still, I suffered immense mental torture during this time. Fear and anxiety sky-rocketed. I was afraid I would fail my exams and everyone proud of me would be disappointed and scold me.

Throughout high school, I sought help from the places I knew best. I went to my teachers and Christian leaders, but nothing seemed to drift away the waves of pain. I even sought God about it, but for some reason, nothing happened. I doubted and felt terrible for doubting. I was angry and felt bad for the same. I prayed and fasted and felt awful that there was no change. I was under the notion that if God did not work, my faith was faulty. Or that I was sinful.

University

When I joined university, the story was the same. I joined the Christian Union and continued suffering in silence. This time, I decided not to seek help because I was frustrated. I served through university and completed still battling my enemy in silence. The pangs of anxiety increased during the pandemic when I added the expectation to be rich to my list. I shifted my focus from academic excellence to money; it was a terrible choice.

Peace and Solace

Now, to the good part. When I finished my University education, God showed up incredibly. And I am not even kidding when I say this. I got an internship, and this was the time I started healing.

Like many graduates, I experienced a culture shock with the transition to the workplace. But with this shock came creative ideas that I now know were from none other than our faithful Friend, Christ our Lord.

One day, when I was in town, I bumped into a book stand and bought "Emotional Agility" by Susan David. This began my reading journey and my dream to have a home library. So I started reading it. Trust me, my eyes opened to the world of emotions. I gained incredible insights that helped me better deal with my feelings.

In the book, Susan explains the myths of emotions that we have grown to believe. She provides a clear and concise path to healing based on scientific evidence. When I say this book propelled me to delve deeper into the functioning of the human mind, I am not lying.

My healing journey had started, and no one would stop it. So, I went to Spotify and looked for more resources on mental health. I bumped into two podcasts that contributed immensely to my healing journey; "The Christian Therapist" by Charisma Podcast Network and “The Christian Psychologist” By Joshua Knabb.

Now, I understand I am not the broken person I thought I was. God created me, looked at me, and said, "She is good.” There is no fault in the work of my God. All that the enemy plants in our minds is nothing but lies. God has provided everything we need to live a good and godly life (2 Peter 1:3 RSV).

Emotions are not weapons formed against us.

Emotions are not weapons formed against us. “They are signals God uses to communicate something to us” (Knabb, 2023). In my case, I was afraid of the dark because I value light and certainty. I value knowing what is ahead. Understanding this reality has enabled me to shift my focus from obsessing over the unknown. After all, I am but a mortal being. I cannot see what the future holds. Therefore, I will cling to the one who does. I will cling so hard to Him because He knows and controls the future.

I have learned that understanding is a beautiful thing. God's word says, "The entry of the word brings light and understanding (Psalms 119:130)." I am a methodical person who creates meaning out of everything I encounter. Susan David puts it better: "Humans are meaning-making machines." We attach meaning to everything. That is why it is vital to identify our emotions and label them correctly. Emotions are not entirely black and white. There are nuances that require close examination to understand.

The unfolding of thy words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple.
PSALMS 119:130 (RSV)

Awareness

Healing begins when we break down the often intimidating and scary emotions like anger, fear, and happiness into their subsequent parts. For instance, disappointment may look like anger, and anxiety dress like depression.

Once you're aware of the emotion and correctly labeled it, exercise compassion towards it. Susan David says, "Approach your emotions with curiosity and compassion." Notice your feelings without judgment and sit with that emotion for a while. Understand its roots. Why am I angry? Why am I afraid? What caused this feeling? These questions are vital for establishing awareness. They create a distance between the thought and the thinker. You affirm that you are the actor in the situation, not the thought.

Susan David: "Approach your emotions with curiosity and compassion."

Pivot

Dr. Joshua Knabb from the "Christian Psychologist" podcast provides incredible tools that have helped me better relate to my emotions. He offers both secular and Christian interventions for various mental health issues. One popular intervention is meditation and prayer.

Once you understand that it is okay to feel the way you feel. Then, you can use the abundance of God's provision to live a more fulfilling life. God's word is life (John 1:4 RSV). Search through scripture and know the heart of God. He is not against you. His arms are wide open for us to run to. Therefore, seek the Lord in prayer and meditation. And lean not on your understanding; in all your ways, trust him, and he will make your path straight (Proverbs 3:5-6 RSV).

I pray that as you sojourn on this earth, you will find solace as I have. I pray that God will lead you to resources that will better explain the mysteries of the mind. And you will rejoice as you shine God’s light in the darkness of ignorance that the enemy has manipulated for years. Shalom!

Shine God’s light in the darkness of ignorance that the enemy has manipulated for years.

References

Charisma Podcast Network (2022). Dr. Karl Benzio Interview, 2020 Pandemic Part 2 | Depression.

David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility. Penguin Random House LLC.

Knabb, J. (2023). The Christian Psychologist.

By Maureen Naini. Also, on Substack